Conspiracy!

“ARE YOU WILLING TO BE VACCINATED?” asked a friend. My jaw dropped. Is the rational world dissolving before my eyes? It’s as if we’re entering an “Age of Dis-Enlightenment”. Truth is meaningless. Evidence is optional. Science has the same status as gossip.

It could be mildly entertaining for about 24 hours. Until I remind myself that I’m likely to get burned at the stake for heresy if we go down that path. And the small matter that every single thing on which divers rely is 100% based on science.

Safely breathing compressed gas under water through a regulator that delivers it at ambient pressure – is that magic or is it engineering?

Adding helium into air so that we can breathe at depth without being narked into unconsciousness – science or witchcraft?

Then there’s that computer that continuously calculates depths and times to help you minimise the risk of decompression illness.

If science is rubbish, let’s just throw a dice! Or rely on our bladders to tell us when we need to surface. Need a wee? Time to go up.

To be fair, I’ve met some warmwater divers who behave exactly that way and are still here to tell the tale. Maybe our bladders are smarter than we imagined. Seriously, if you don’t trust in science, please stay away from scuba-diving.

DIVER January 2021

IF YOU ARE CERTAIN that what others believe is “science” is just a made-up way of controlling your life and limiting your freedom, then everything I disclose to you below will make TOTAL SENSE.

Jacques Cousteau might have sounded like a charming Frenchman but he came from the MILITARY! Everyone will deny that he was trained by Mossad agents. Because they are TERRIFIED of being accused of anti-semitism. Which, as you know, has NEVER existed.

Decompression illness is a MYTH to control us. Prince Charles, Mark Zuckerberg and the Pope are all complicit in perpetuating this FAKE NEWS. Dive-computers are actually tracking devices. The roll-out of 5G will enable yours to SPY on you and CONTROL your life.

All dive-boat skippers are part of the conspiracy. They want to LIMIT your dive by perpetuating fear of “the bends”. Skippers get a SECRET £500 payment every time a diver is airlifted. The illness is just seasickness. Some skippers randomly poison a diver with a micro-dose of undetectable TOXIN in tea for the extra money.

This is PROVED to be true because technical divers will only drink cans of lager after dives and they never get “bent”. FACT.

The head of PADI initially ADMITTED that nitrox was “the work of the Devil”. He was quickly silenced by the Global Elite of satanic paedophiles, and nitrox was rebranded as “Safe Air” by… THE MEDIA (boo!)

It’s hard to find this information unless you Google VERY CAREFULLY. It’s all being COVERED UP. Divers are being controlled and tricked into paying extra for expensive gases and wearing evil tracking devices. FACT!

Do not let on that I’ve shared these awful truths with you. But for your own sake, STAY AWAY from scuba-diving.

Meanwhile, happy days, I genuinely look forward to someone sticking a needle into my arm and injecting me with a mysterious goop brewed up in a lab. Because YES! I trust the science.